Chinese Company that Manufactured Yao Ming Issues Recall
The Chinese company that produced Yao Ming and sold him to the Houston Rockets has issued a recall after several complaints from fans and teammates of the NBA center.
Rockets Head Coach Rick Adelman was relieved after hearing the news: “I knew (purchasing Yao) was a bad idea once I saw that ‘Made in China’ sticker on his thigh. They always seem to manufacture cheap and defective products. I had the same problem with my TV remote.”
为什么我觉得痛苦吗？
The 7-foot-6 Yao Ming has already missed 93 games due to injury in his 7 seasons as an NBA player. He is currently being limited to 25 minutes per game in order to prevent any further damage to his body.
Chinese company Yis n’ Yaos made the announcement of the recall on their website:
“In an attempt to create taller players using the same materials, some quality was inevitably lost. We will be recalling Yao Ming at the end of the NBA season for repair, and we are releasing a software update for Yi Jianlian and Wang Zhizhi that should decrease their injuries and increase their free throw percentages.”
-RS
(thanks to J Gar)
Internet Crashes, Work Productivity Increases by 3 Billion Percent
A major North American server crash resulted in the loss of internet connections throughout Canada and the United States on Monday. Office workers were forced offline between the hours of 9 am and 9 pm, in which work productivity increased by an estimated 3 billion percent.
If only this could happen during my finals.
“I couldn’t access my e-mails, so I thought it would be impossible to get any work done” said a systems analyst at IBM. “It turns out that I work a lot better when I can’t check my Facebook account and no one forwards me pictures of cats.”
Canadian and American political analysts also each figured out how to successfully solve the issue in the Middle East independently, and 5 Canadian medical research centers reported the discovery of a cure for AIDS during the 12-hour period.
-RS
Barack Obama Temporarily Legalized Marijuana in White House
A leaked government cable has revealed that U.S. President Barack Obama temporarily legalized possession and use of marijuana in the White House. The e-mail between the President and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was released along with the thousands of other documents in the Wikileaks fiasco.
I hope they cancelled the tours that day.
The entire document is as follows:
THIS DOCUMENT IS CONFIDENTIAL To: Hillary Clinton (bills_hill@america.gov) From: Barack Obama (b_obizzle@whitehouse.gov) Subject: party Yo, hill can we legalize pot between 10 pm tonight and 4 pm tomorrow? I had a pretty stressful day with the economy n shit and I got ludacris and rasheed wallace coming over to chill for a while. you don't have to legalize it in the whole state, just in my crib. wouldn't that be funny, though? if you legalized it in the whole state and no one knew? if anyone found out about that shit would get pretty crazy around here, lol anyway, so if you could do that it'd be pretty cool and make sure no one calls too early tomorrow ight peace, O-bizzle 44th President of the United States of America This email and any files transmitted with it are confidential. If you have received this email in error please notify the FBI and then delete it immediately. Please note that any views or opinions presented in this email are solely those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of the country. -----------------------------------------------------------------
This is not the first reported case of power abuse by President Obama; other leaked documents have revealed the President using the secret service to pick up his take-out from Jack in the Box and using an emergency phone line to make prank calls to Vice President Joe Biden.
-RS
The United States government is holding back its assault on the Wikileaks servers due to cyber-bullying laws that prohibit such actions. “We must set a good example for the children, and it would be entirely hypocritical of us to pursue these attacks” said Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. The cyber-bullying law was passed in 2004, in an attempt to prevent teenage girls from calling each other ‘ugly-ass hoes’ over the internet.
Clinton stated that she is very serious about enforcing the law, being in this age of growing internet use: “If we hear of any cyber-bullying going on, we arrest the perpetrator immediately. We’ve sent the swat team already, and we’ll do it again. I do not tolerate cyber-bullying of any kind. Except when it’s about Canada.”
(Caption Deleted by the United States Government)
The U.S. has also begun prosecuting any bullying in the form of YouTube comments. “It seems like (YouTube) is a popular medium for cyber-bullying. We’re just going to have to keep an eye on them. We have people looking through all the comments for any negativity or insulting of others. Don’t worry, they’ll pay! They’ll all pay!”
-RS
Texas Rep. Leo Berman Demands to See Obama Baby Pictures
After hearing rumours that Barack Obama may not have been born in the United States, Republicans have been quick to investigate the President’s past. “I read it on a blog, so it must be true” said senator John McCain.
Now there's an American
Texas State Representative Leo Berman has been in the forefront of the investigation, and has stated that he will not be convinced until he sees some legitimate evidence. “We checked his birth certificate, but that can easily be forged. Plus, who knows what goes on in Hawaii? I need some pictures of the President at a baseball game, eating 5 hot dogs and yelling at the umpires. Without that, how can anyone call themselves American?”
Berman said that it would also be acceptable to see pictures Obama in line at the DMV, or playing the role of Baby Jesus in a Christmas story reenactment.
-RS
World Agrees to Send Justin Bieber on One-Way Mars Mission
A global vote on who to send on a suicide mission to Mars chose teen popstar Justin Bieber by a landslide. “It must be because I’m young and in such great shape” said Bieber. “And plus, my hair would fit so well in one of those helmets. Someone has to tell me what Mars is, though. Is it near Germany?”
One space capsule for Justin Bieber, one giant leap for mankind.
Due to the expenses of sending a capsule to Mars and having it return to Earth, the only alternative was to send someone who would remain there for the rest of their life. A global vote was held and the public elected the teen singing sensation, who was not even on the ballot. “We had a choice of several astronauts and one write-in option. We were not expecting this kind of result, but I think this will do” said a NASA spokesperson.
Dan Weizenkoff, Bieber’s attorney and publicist, agreed to comply with NASA and send his client on the mission. “It’s really the best thing for his career right now. Once his voice cracks, it’s over. We all saw what happened to the Jonas Brothers.”
-RS
Wikileaks to Release United Nations Cafeteria Menu
The controversial media organization Wikileaks has finally announced their newest release of confidential information: the United Nations cafeteria menu. “We have been anticipating this for a very long time, and we are looking forward to getting this material out to the public” said Julian Assange, founder of the organization. “We think that the American public will be very interested to see what is being served in one of the most important political centers of their country.”
"We took a long lunch yesterday. Come on guys, sit down. Let's try to get some shit done."
Assange was very reluctant to divulge the methods in which the information was obtained, but it most likely involved a Wikileaks employee going undercover as a student and joining a field trip to take the UN tour.
“I cannot confirm that as our source, but I assure you; this will be our most controversial leak yet” said Assange. “You will not believe what they have for lunch on Wednesdays.”
-RS
Nintendo to Unveil Gaming Console that does not Require Player
In the ongoing arms race between the big gaming companies, the new consoles are becoming more and more minimalist. Nintendo started the trend with the Wii, which was controlled for the most part by a player’s movements, and Microsoft countered with the Xbox Kinect; the console that needs no controller.
Now, Nintendo is hoping to get a leg-up with a new design that can function without a player. “The biggest obstacle between the present and the future status of gaming is the player” said Saturo Iwata, current President and CEO of Nintendo. “We think the games reach their maximum potential this way.”
Finally we don't have to do everything.
Iwata claims that the current prototype of the project (known as ‘Project Ghost’) has been successful in its initial testing: “it was enjoyable for the children that we brought in. These days, kids just want to sit on the couch and send text messages and socialize. They don’t want to have to hold a controller and concentrate on games. That’s why we are so excited about this new project.”
The final product is to be released around the 2012 holiday season.
-RS
TSA Offers Facebook Check as Second Alternative to Full-Body Scanner
In light of many protesters deciding to opt out of using the newly implemented full-body scanners at the airport, the TSA has decided to offer an alternative that involves no physical contact; the Facebook scan. “We were performing pat-downs on those who refused the full-body scan, but it was still too invasive and it made people uncomfortable” said a TSA spokesperson. “We decided to also offer a Facebook check to those who refuse both options.”
"You listen to The Spin Doctors? Seriously?"
The Facebook scan involves a security agent looking over the passenger’s Facebook profile for any suspicious material. The following is an excerpt taken from the security handbook, it lists questions about the profile that are to be answered by the agent:
Does the passenger’s profile picture depict the passenger burning the American flag?
Is the passenger tagged in any videos that are entitled ‘how to assemble a bomb using only liquids and a nail clipper?’
Do the passenger’s listed interests include any of the following: ‘terrorism, holding hostages, or drug smuggling?’
Is the passenger a member of the group ‘Al-Qaeda 4 life?’
Is the passenger friends with Osama Bin-Laden?
If any of the previous questions are answered ‘yes,’ take the passenger in for further questioning.
When the TSA representative was asked whether those with only MySpace profiles are also eligible for the scan, the agent answered: “Those people go straight to the full rectal examination.”
-RS
Testicles May Cause Damage to Laptops: Study
Research performed at University of Southern California has concluded that testicles may cause permanent damage to laptops if they are close enough. Dr. Gordon Myers, the head researcher on the study, was astonished by the findings: “It’s really a fascinating phenomenon. The testicles seem to emit radiation that affects the laptop’s battery life, as well as it’s ability to store memory.”
He won't be so happy when his hard drive gets deleted
Myers has since been on a quest to convey the message on to the public. “Keep your testicles away from your laptops, guys. Otherwise, your computers may never work the same way.”
The USC research team is now working on a related study, regarding the effects of having testicles too close to your head. “If the radiation is bad for your laptop, imagine what it can do to your brain. We hope to have results within the next two years, but we have had some trouble finding participants willing to have testicles near their head.”
-RS
Study Repellent 