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thanks for reading (and not studying)
-RS
U.S.A Eliminates Phone Booths, No One Notices
Due to the rapidly discontinuing use and frivolous maintenance of phone booths in the United States, telecommunications companies have completely removed the public phones from their various locations. The population’s response was completely neutral.
“I really don’t care” said Dave Johnson, a lawyer in Seattle “they were pretty much just toilets for homeless people.” Johnson’s generation was the one that used phone booths the most, with the current generation of children having little or no exposure to them. “What’s a phone booth?” said Johnson’s daughter.
I wonder if they'll remember to disconnect this one.
AT&T’s public relations department was concerned before the removal of the phones, but their anxiety proved to be misplaced: “We were prepared for a major public outcry to save the phone booths, but no one really noticed. I guess they’re pretty useless at this point.”
As phone booths approach extinction, their legacy will be carried on through Amish theme parks and a bad Colin Farrell movie.
-RS
New WebMD iPhone App Can Give Vaccinations
Just when you thought there was an app for everything, the iPhone has done it again: the new WebMD app can give vaccinations to users. “This is the biggest breakthrough since Angry Birds” said Apple CEO Steve Jobs. “We already added a clip of someone using the app to one of our montage commercials.”
After opening the application, the device prompts you to place your finger inside a hardware attachment that takes a blood sample. The iPhone can then run a series of tests to diagnose the user with any number of illnesses, and give the appropriate vaccination.
No vaccinations while driving
“This app is going to revolutionize home medicine” said one of the developers. “Giving yourself a shot of penicillin is now as simple as checking your e-mail. I don’t see any possible way it can go wrong.”
The WebMD app will be available in the app store for 99¢.
-RS
Mysterious Traffic Cones Appear on Montreal Roads
Thousands of unexplained orange traffic cones have appeared in various locations throughout Montreal this winter. Citizens are being forced to avoid them with their cars, as McGill’s leading environmental experts are struggling to find a possible explanation:
“We have no leads, and it just keeps getting worse” said Professor David Greene. “They do not seem to follow any pattern; they merge 3 lanes into one, force detours to side streets, and some appear to just be placed randomly in the middle of the road. I guess it’s just one of those things that can never be explained, like the crop circles.”
We can't rule out the possibility that aliens sent them
According to Greene, the only commonality found among all the groups of cones is an orange, diamond-shaped sign that reads ‘Fin.’ “We thought it may have been the french word ‘fin,’ meaning ‘end,’ but the cones just seem to continue one block later. We are now fairly certain that the sign is meaningless.”
-RS
Twitter User Has Experience Worth Talking About
Hunter Meyers, a Twitter user in Los Angeles, CA, actually had an experience that may be of interest to other people yesterday; a feat yet to be achieved by any of the site’s 190 million users. “I was walking out of a Starbucks because there was a sale at American Apparel,” said Meyers, “and I saw Osama Bin Laden on Wilshire Boulevard. My first thought was: ‘Twitter must hear about this.'”
"OMG, I think I just saw osama lol #terrorism"
Meyers’ discovery was re-tweeted over a thousand times, and it became a trending topic worldwide within several minutes. “I was so happy to finally be recognized. My 5 followers usually don’t respond this way when I tweet about what I ate for lunch, or when I complain about Apple products.”
The United States Department of Homeland Security eventually got the news via its Twitter account, but not in time to apprehend Bin Laden. “It was just so unexpected,” said a representative, “we try to keep an eye on Twitter, but we have to weed through all the people talking about the new Feist album or how much they love Justin Beiber. This is the first important thing that has ever come up.”
Meyers currently has 400 000 followers who will be informed every time he eats a sandwich.
-RS
NBA.com Gets Virus, Redirects Visitors to WNBA.com
The official website of the National Basketball Association was reportedly the target of a cyber-attack, causing it to redirect all visitors to WNBA.com. “I am outraged” said NBA commissioner David Stern. “The league is losing enough money as it is, this definitely doesn’t make things any better.”
*and prepare to be disappointed
Many fans have evidently shared Stern’s frustration, and are taking to blogs to vent their complaints:
“This is horrible! I need ‘Top 10 Dunks of the week’, not ‘Top 10 sportsmanship moments of the week’!”
“There’s only 12 teams! Does anyone even miss the playoffs?”
“I watched the highlights of a game and they declared it a tie at the end!”
“Lisa Leslie out tonight for PMS?”
NHL commissioner Gary Bettman is suspected to be behind the attack, according to an NBA representative. “Further investigation is required, however, before we can draw any conclusions.”
-RS
Jeopardy Robot to Appear on Wipeout
‘Watson,’ the intelligent robot designed by IBM to compete on Jeopardy this February, is set to appear on ABC’s Wipeout soon after, according to a source. “Once we revealed that Watson would be a contestant on Jeopardy, we received requests from many other networks” said an IBM spokesperson. “We are very excited to have so many opportunities for showcasing our design.”
Knowing the capital of Qatar doesn't really help here...
Wipeout, which premiered in 2008, is a game show in which contestants attempt to complete messy obstacle courses for money. Most of Watson’s designers are confident that the robot will be able to compete with the humans: “Have you seen the people on that show? This should be a breeze.”
Other IBM representatives were more skeptical about the robot’s performance: “I think it’s going to be a challenge for Watson, seeing as how we only really programmed him for trivia. I’m interested to see how he gets across those giant rubber balls without falling in the mud.”
-RS
Lebron James Agrees to Wear Two Different Shoes Every Game
Miami Heat forward Lebron James has made an agreement with two competing shoe brands that will require him to wear two different shoes every game this season. “God gave me two feet for a reason, and I think it’s because he wants me to make twice as much money on endorsements” said James.
"Must....Buy.....Nike....." -that guy behind him
Lebron will wear his signature Nike Ambassador shoe on his right foot, and the new Adidas Bigshot on his left. He has also been told to face each end of the court for an equal amount of time per game, in order to give each brand the same amount of television coverage. This part of the agreement came after James was accused of giving Nike the majority of the exposure during the first game of the deal. “I faced the left side of the broadcast too often, and Adidas told me to not play defence the next game to make it up to them.”
While the agreement was controversial among other NBA players, marketing executives are jumping on the opportunity to share superstars in major sports leagues: “We’re working on a deal to have Lebron drink a mixture of Vitamin Water and Sprite at all public appearances” said James’ manager. “We also want him to wear two different brands of underwear every game.”
-RS
(thanks to OCDave)
City of Montreal Declares Snowday for Snow Removal Workers
The city of Montreal has told all of its snow removal workers to stay home today because of poor driving conditions. “There’s just too much snow out there; they should wait until it’s cleared” said mayor Gerald Tremblay. The decision came after a major snowstorm hit the province of Quebec with 2 feet of snow this week.
Efficient as usual
Unfortunately, no other employers decided to close today, leaving many other workers stranded. “I pushed for an hour to get my car out of the driveway. Meanwhile, my neighbour drives a sidewalk cleaner and I saw him building a snow fort” said one office worker. Other removal workers were spotted constructing snowmen and having snowball fights on the streets as the people of Montreal unwedged their cars from the snowy disaster.
The government has instructed all citizens to take the Metro if they need to get around the city.
(Update: Disruption of Metro service on the orange line between Cote-Vertu and Montmorency stations)
(Update: Disruption of Metro service on the green line between Angrignon and Honore-Beaugrand stations)
-RS
Pilot Accomplishes Terrorism Despite Security Checkpoint
A terrorist pilot was able to crash a plane into a national landmark, even after going through a TSA security checkpoint. “I really can’t understand how this happened” said a guard who was on duty at the time. “We checked him for liquids and metallic objects, and we saw a picture of him naked. Needless to say, I’m baffled.”
Can you spot the problem?
The United States Department of Homeland Security has begun an investigation of the matter, which so far has been fruitless: “We looked over the procedure several times, and we checked the security tapes; the system is air-tight. If we can’t rely on our security checkpoints to protect us from terrorism, I don’t know what we’ll do.”
TSA representatives have stated that they will be checking pilots more thoroughly from now on. “Clearly, these guys are hiding liquids somewhere we’re not looking. Perhaps we should be violating them more.”
-RS
Study Repellent 